Fairy Tale > Reality

dimsumdimple:

It was an accident. 

I TOLD YOU not to tickle me. 

The accidental kick to the balls was imminent.

I’m not responsible for your injuries. 

I warned you. 

I’d like to walk in the dark, with the street lamps light, and the Christmas lights of the shops shining bright. I’d like there to be light snow, and the sound of our boots crunching down on fresh snow as we look into the shop windows. I’d like you to hold my hand, our finger tips touching, but our palms covered by gloves. I’d like us to be wrapped up in thick coats and jumpers, with long scarfs around our necks and wooly hats upon our heads. I’d like us to be smiling as you kiss my forehead and then point down to the perfect present you think I’d like.

…since being back at school this term, I’ve struggled to keep my attention focused. I simply do not care. I’m so close to the end, and this term is almost over, and I need this. So bad. But right now, my attention and focus just isn’t here. I have no motivation to finish. Maybe on some level I feel that if I don’t finish I can’t move on, because I want to stay here forever.

Next week I travel home, with all my suitcases and go home to spend Christmas with my family. Some of my friends are staying behind at school, and spending Christmas together. I’m coming back early for New Year, I hope. But I’m not sure yet.

I was meant to hand in a draft for a major essay my teacher had set for me today, it wasn’t an official deadline, but I’m still upset I missed it. Of course it was my own fault. I can’t blame anyone else that I haven’t finished it, nor have I actually started it. I have the idea in my head, and I’ve done some research. I just can’t seem to get my ideas and thoughts to paper. How can I be struggling with this now, when I’ve been studying at this school for so long doing the same thing. Suddenly in my last year I’m stuck in the same place, unable to do anything. I don’t know what has happened. But I need to figure it out over Christmas and quick, or I’ll ruin my life.

My personal life isn’t struggling so bad, which is rather surprising. I can’t remember the last time we spoke, but for the last Month I’ve been seeing a guy named Jacob. He’s really sweet, and we see each other twice a week. We live at rivaling schools, so we have to travel a couple hours to see one and other. I stay in his dorm room; he has a double bed, which is great, because when he stays here we have to share my single bed; kinda makes me feel a bit silly, but I think it’s cute because he snuggles closer. Jacob introduced me to his dorm mates last week, and we went out with his friends for drinks. Apparently they all like me, and think I’m a good influence on him; which is nice, because I’m aware that he’s a bit of a bad boy. But he promises me that he isn’t like that anymore. He spent the night looking after me, because I had a few drinks and was pretty drunk. He made sure that I constantly had a glass of water in my hand, and then had his arms around me while we walked back to his dorm. He’s coming over to see me tomorrow before I go home for Christmas, and tomorrow night he’ll be meeting some of my friends who are still here. I hope they like him. Because their opinion matters, a lot.

Jacob and I haven’t had sex yet. I’m not really pushing it, because I won’t deny that I am nervous and a bit scared. I’ve only ever had sex once, on an impulse, and I’ll just say, my first time wasn’t in any way great or desirable. I know about Jacob’s past experiences, and he has a lot more experience than I do. It kind of intimidates me, but he says that it doesn’t matter, because it’s different with every person you have sex with. It’s about trust. He says that he’s had plenty of sex, but he’s only had two people he’s made love to. I’m still not sure how this really makes me feel, but I do smile a bit when I think of him saying it. Jacob says he doesn’t want to just sleep with me, and says how angry he is that somebody ruined my first time. He wants to make our first time something special and erase my actual first time. He keeps telling me really sweet ideas for our first time, so we’ll see…

Lex Thorne.